篇一：儿童英文笑话
Tell a lie
Mom: "Which banana do you want, Victor?"
Victor: "I want that one of the greatest."
Mom: "Victor, you should be polite, to have that little one."
Victor: "Mom, I must lie to be polite?"
妈妈：―你要哪一只香蕉，维克多？‖
维克多：―我要那只最大的。‖
妈妈：―维克多，你应该懂礼貌，要那只小的。‖
维克多：―妈妈，难道懂礼貌就必须说谎吗？‖
I Don't Like an Argument 我不想争论
Gerald, asked the teacher, what is the shape of the earth?
It's round, answered Gerald.
How do you know it's round? continued the teacher.
All right, it's square then, he replied, I really don't feel like getting into an argument about it! 杰拉尔德，老师问：地球是什么形状？
是圆形的，杰拉尔德回答道。
你怎么知道是圆的？老师又问。
好吧，那它是方的，学生回答说：我可不想与你争论这件事情。
Two Birds 两只鸟
Teacher: Here are two birds, one is a swallow, the other is sparrow. Now who can tell us which is which?
Student: I cannot point out but I know the answer.
Teacher: Please tell us.
Student: The swallow is beside the sparrow and the sparrow is beside the swallow. 老师： 这儿有两只鸟，一只是麻雀。谁能指出哪只是燕子，哪只是麻雀吗？
学生：我指不出，但我知道答案。
老师：请说说看。
学生：燕子旁边的就是麻雀，麻雀旁边的就是燕子。
Three Turtles 三只乌龟
Three turtles decided to have a cup of coffee. Just as they got into the cafe, it started to rain. The biggest turtle said to the smallest one, " Go home and get the umbrella." The little turtle replied, "I will, if you don't drink my offee."
"We won't," the other two promised.
Two years later the big turtle said to the middle turtle, "Well, I guess he isn't coming back, so we might as well drink his coffee."
Just then a voice called from outside the door, "If you do, I won't go."
三只乌龟决定去喝咖啡。它们刚到咖啡店的门口，就下起雨来。于是最大的那只乌龟对最小的乌龟说，―回家去取伞吧。‖
最小的乌龟说，―如果你们不把我的咖啡喝了，我就去。‖
―我们不喝，‖另外两只乌龟答应说。
两年后，大乌龟对中乌龟说，―好吧，我猜他肯定不回来了，我们可以把它的咖啡喝掉了。‖
正在这时，一个声音从门外传来，―你们要是喝了，我就不去。‖
Who Is the Laziest 谁最懒
Father: Well, Tom, I asked to your teacher today, and now I want to ask you a question. Who is the laziest person in your class?
Tom: I don't know, father.
Father: Oh, yes, you do! Think! When other boys and girls are doing and writing, who sits in the class and only watches how other people work?
Tom: Our teacher, father.
父亲：哎，汤姆，今天我跟你们老师谈过，现在我想问你个问题。你们班上谁最懒？
汤姆：我不知道，爸爸。
父亲：啊，不对，你知道！想想看，当别的孩子们都在做作业、写字时，谁在课堂上坐着，只是看人家做功课？
汤姆：我们老师，爸爸。
But the teacher cried 可是老师哭了
The six-year-old John was terribly spoiled（被宠坏的） . His father knew it, but his grandma doted on him. He hardly left her side. And when he wanted anything, he either cried or threw a temper tantrum（乱发脾气） . Then came his first day of school, his first day away from his grandmother's loving arms.
When he came home from school his grandma met him at the door.
Was school all right? she asked, Did you get along all right? did you cry?
Cry? John asked. No, I didn't cry, but the teacher did!
六岁的约翰娇生惯养。他的父亲知道这一点，可他的祖父母仍然宠着他。这孩子几乎寸步不离他的祖母。他想要什么不是哭，就是闹。他第一天上学才离开祖母的怀抱。
约翰放学了，他奶奶在门口接他并问道：学校怎么样？你过的好吗？哭了没有？
哭？约翰问，不，我没哭，可老师哭了。
Who is Stupid 谁愚蠢
A teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!"
Little Johnny then stood up.
The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Johnny?"
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
一个老师在对学生们讲心理学，―谁认为自己蠢就站起来？‖她一开始就说。
小约翰尼站了起来。
―你认为你很蠢吗，小约翰尼？‖老师问。
―不是的，老师，我只是不喜欢看你一个人站着。‖
Lost Purse 丢失的钱包
A lady lost her handbag. It was found by an honest little boy and returned to her. Looking in her purse, she commented, "Hmmm.... That's funny. When I lost my bag there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty $1 bills."
The boy quickly replied, "That's right, lady. The last time I found a lady's purse, she didn't have any change for a reward."
一个女人丢了手提包，有一个诚实的小孩捡到后交还给了她。她看了看钱包，说：―嗯，这么有趣，我丢的时候里面是一张20美元，现在成了20张一美元。‖
―没错，夫人。‖小男孩立刻回答道，―上次我捡到钱包时，那位夫人没有零钱奖赏给我。‖
I know who god is 我知道上帝是谁了
A boy says to her mother, Mom, is God a man or woman?
The mom thinks a while and says, Well, son, God is both man and woman.
The son is confused, so he asks, Is God black or white?
The mother replies, God is both black and white, honey.
The son, still curious, says after a while, Is God gay or straight, mommy?
The mother, getting a little worried, answers, Son, God is both gay and
straight.
The son thinks about it, and his face lights up when he thinks he finally has answered his question: Is God Michael Jackson?
儿子：妈妈，上帝是白人还是黑人？
妈妈：宝贝，上帝是白人也是黑人！
儿子：那上帝是男人还是女人？
妈妈：宝贝，上帝是男人也是女人！
儿子：哦。我知道了，上帝是迈克尔·杰克逊！
His Fault 他的错
Billy: Mother, Bobby broke a window.
Mother: How did he do it?
Billy: I threw a rock at him and he ducked.
比利：妈妈，波比打坏了窗玻璃。
妈妈：他怎么打的？
比利：我向他扔石头，他躲开了。
Like father, like son 有其父必有其子
Son: Papa, what's the meaning of " Like father, like son"?
Father: Bastard. What another scandalous thing have you done in the school?
儿子：爸爸，―有其父必有其子‖是什么意思呀？
父亲：狗崽子，你在学校又干什么见不得人的事啦？
They're Busy 他们很忙
One day, the phone rang, and a little boy answered.
"May I speak to your parents? "
"They're busy. "
"Oh. Is anybody else there? "
"The police. "
"Can I speak to them?"
"They're busy. "
"Oh. Is anybody else there? "
"The firemen. "
"Can I speak to them? "
"They're busy. "
"So let me get this straight -- your parents, the police, and the firemen are there, but they're all busy? What are they doing?"
"Looking for me. "
电话铃响了，小男孩接了电话。
―请你父母听电话好吗？‖
―他们很忙。‖
―噢，那家里还有其他人吗？‖
―还有警察。‖
―我可以和他们说话吗？‖
―他们很忙。‖
―那还有其他人吗？‖
―还有消防员。‖
―我可以和他们说话吗？‖
―他们也很忙。‖
―请直接告诉我——你的父母、警察和消防员都在你家，但他们都很忙，他们到底在干什么？‖
―在找我。‖
Tom's excuse 汤姆的借口
Teacher: Tom, why are you late for school every day?
Tom: Every time I come to the corner, a sign says, School-Go Slow.
老师：汤姆，您为什么每天上学迟到？
汤姆：我每次路过拐角，一个路标上面写着：学校----慢行。
I can not see it at all 我根本就看不见
After supper, the parents were busy playing mah-jong with the guests. At this point the mother thought of something and said to her son who was watching TV, "Honey, go see if the kitchen light is on or not?" After a while, her son returned and said, "Ma, the kitchen is so dark that I cannot see it at all."
晚饭后，父亲和母亲都忙着和客人玩麻将，这时母亲忽然想起点儿事来，便对正在看电视的儿子说道：―宝贝，去看看厨房里的灯是不是还开着呢？‖ 过了一会儿，儿子回来说：―妈，厨房里太黑了，我根本就看不见。‖
The New Teacher 新老师
George comes from school on the first of September.
"George, how did you like your new teacher?" asked his mother.
"I didn't like her, Mother, because she said that three and three were six and then she said that two and four were six too....."
9月1日， 乔治放学回到家里。
―乔治，你喜欢你们的新老师吗？‖ 妈妈问。
―妈妈，我不喜欢，因为她说3加3得6, 可后来又说2加4也得6。‖
If I am a Manager 如果我是一个经理
One day in class, the teacher assigned his students to write a composition – If I Am a Manager.
篇二：儿童英文小笑话
The remaining sheep 剩下的羊
The teacher said: "If the shepherd put twenty sheep out to feed on the grass in a field, five of them jumped a fence, how many sheep would be left?"
"None," called out little Mac. The teacher said: "I am surprised that you can't count correctly. I know that you are good at arithmetic, but you have made such a mistake now."
Little Mac said: "You know arithmetic, teacher, but you don't know sheep. I know that if one sheep jumped, the rest will follow it to do the same."
老师说：“如果牧羊人把20只羊放到牧场上去吃草，有5只羊跳出了围栏，还会剩下多少只？”
小麦克大声回答说：“一只都没有。”老师说：“我很惊讶，你竟然不会算数。我知道你的算术很好的，现在竟会出错。”
小麦克说：“老师，你懂算术，但你不了解羊。英语小故事我知道，若是有一只羊跳了出去，其余的就会跟着她跳出去。”
Don't bother me 别烦我
One day a kind man met a panicky little boy in his neighbor-hood when he was going home from his office.
He noticed that the boy seemed to have fought with other boys. He kindly said: "Why do you have a black eye, little man? I am sorry to see that?"
Unexpectedly the boy replied angrily: "Don't bother me. You go home to feel sorry for your own little boy-he has got two!"
有一天一个好心的人下班回家时，在他居住的小区里碰到一个神色慌张的小男孩。
他注意到这个孩子像是刚和别的孩子打过架，就亲切的对他说：“小家伙，你怎么会有个黑眼眶呀？看到你这样，我很为你难过？”
不料这个小男孩竟然气冲冲地回答说：“别烦我。你回家去为你自己的小男孩难过吧。他有两个黑眼眶。”
Naive reasoning 天真的推理
A man was telling a story to his son, a four-year-old boy. The boy noticed a lock of gray hair on his father's head and asked: "Why are some of your gray, papa?"
"Papa will get a gray hair every time his little boy is naughty," said his father, thinking to take the advantage of this opportunity to give him a moral lesson.
The boy thought for a moment, and then naively said: "Oh, I see why my grandpapa has a lot of gray hair on his head. I think he must have had very naughty boys."
有个人给他的儿子，一个4岁的男孩讲故事。小男孩注意到他父亲的头上有一缕白发，就问道：“爸爸，你的头发怎么是白的？”
他的父亲想趁机给他上一堂教育课，就回答说：“爸爸的小男孩每顽皮一次，爸爸头上就会长出一根白头发。”
小男孩沉思了一下，就天真地说：“哦，我知道爷爷为什么有那么多白头发了。我想他的儿子们一定也非常顽皮。”
Can you eat any more 你还能吃吗
In Chemistry class, the teacher was explaining the relationship between solvent and solute: "A certain solvent can only dissolve a certain solute. For example, you have eaten a bowl of rice, then one more bowl. After having eaten the third bowl, you have felt full to the throat. At this time, can you eat any more?"
One of the students asked: "Is there any dish?"
化学课上老师讲解溶剂与溶质的关系：“一定的溶剂只能溶解一定的溶质。比如说，你吃了一碗饭，又吃了一碗，第三碗吃下去已经饱了，你还能吃下去吗？”
有个学生问：“还有菜吗？”
A garbage collector 垃圾收集工
John was ten years old, and he was a very lazy boy.
He had to go to school of course, but he was bored there and tried to do as little work as possible. His father and mother were both doctors and they hoped that he would become one, too, when he grew up, but one day Lohn said to his mother, "When I finish school, I want to become a garbage collector."
"A garbage collector?" his mother asked. She was very surprised. "That's not a very pleasant job. Why do you want to become a garbage collector?"
"Because then I'd only have to work one day a week," Lohn answered.
"Only one day a week?" his mother said. "What do you mean?"
"Well," John answered, "I know that the ones who come to our house only work on Wednesday, because I only see them on that day."
约翰10岁了，是一个非常懒的男孩子。
当然他必须去上学，但他厌烦学校，并尽可能地少做功课。他父母亲两人都是医生，他们两人都希望当他长大后也当个医生，但有一天，约翰对他母亲说，“我上完学，我想当个垃圾收集工。”
“垃圾收集工？” 他母亲问道。他母亲非常吃惊。“那可不是一件令人愉快的工作。你为什么想当一个垃圾收集工呢？”
“因为到时候我只需一周工作一天，” 约翰回答说。
“一周只工作一天？” 他母亲说。“你是什么意思？”
“嗯，” 约翰回答说，“我知道来我们家的那些人只在星期三上班，因为我只在星期三看见他们。”
老鼠是什么样子的
Rodents had overrun a posh（时髦的） private school near New York City. So the headmaster, a friend of mine, asked a health inspector to deliver a slide presentation to teachers and students, showing how to remedy the situation, i.e. stow（装载，收藏） trash, no food in class, etc.
The following day, a teacher had her very young children write a letter to the inspector, thanking him for the visit. One of the students wrote, "Dear Mr. Johnson, Thank you for coming to my school. Until I saw you, I didn't know what a rat looked like."
啮齿类动物在纽约市附近的一家时尚的私立学校泛滥成灾。 那家学校的校长（我的一个朋友） 请来了一位健康检查员来给在校师生作一次幻灯演示，告诉他们如何处理这种情况，如，要垃圾装好，上课不能吃东西等等。
第二天，一个老师让她的那些年纪还非常小的学生给那位检查员写封信，感谢他的来访。 其中一个学生这样写道，“亲爱的约翰逊先生， 感谢您来到我的学校。在看到你之前，我还不知道老鼠长的什么样子。”。
The teacher's pest 老师的调皮学生
It is June. The sun is in the sky, it is immense hot.
Josie is bored with school. She prefers to be at the beach with the tide.
She cannot sit in her seat. She cannot stop talking.
While the teacher writes on the board, Josie gets up and talks to one of her intimate friends. The teacher, Mr. Rolla, hears the noise and says. "Josie, sit down and be quiet." Josie sits down. Mr. Rolla continues with the lessons. Josie gets up and talks to another friend. "Sit down and be quiet. " Says Mr. Rolla. He is very annoyed with her. Josie continues talking.
"O.K." Mr. Rolla gets furious. "If you want to talk. Then come to the front of the classroom and be the teacher."
"All right, " agrees Josie. She comes to the front of the classroom and says, "Quiet, everyone. I am a new teacher, and I say class dismissed."
六月，太阳高挂天空，天气非常炎热。
朱丝对上课很厌烦，她更想在海滩观看潮起潮落。
她在座位上坐不住，不停地讲话。
当老师在黑板上写字时，朱丝站起来和一个朋友说话，瑞拉老师听到了，就说：“朱丝，坐下，安静点。”朱丝坐下来，老师继续讲课，朱丝又站起来和另一个朋友说话。“坐下，安静点。”可是朱丝又站起来说话，他生气了。
“如果你想说话，到教师前面来说话吧，你当老师吧。”老师愤怒地说。
“好的，”朱丝说。她走到教室前说：“安静点，同学们，我是新老师，现在下课。”
我在等我的秘书
One day in class, the teacher assigned his students to write a composition - if I Am a Manager.
All the students began to write except a boy. The teacher went to him and asked the reason.
"I am waiting for my secretary," was the boy's answer.
一天课上，老师要同学们以“如果我是一个经理”为题写一篇作文。
所有的学生都在动笔写了，只有一个男生例外。老师走过去问他为什么不写。
“我在等我的秘书”。那孩子答道。
爸爸不高兴
It seems a farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon load of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise. "Hey Willis!!" the farmer yelled, "Forget your troubles. Come in with us. Then I'll help you get the wagon up." "That's mighty nice of you, " Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to." "Aw, come on," the farmer insisted. "Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "but Pa won't like it." After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host and said, "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset." "Don't be foolish," the neighbor said with a smile, "by the way, where is he?" "Under the wagon."
一个农家小孩好像意外打翻了一车玉米，住在附近的一个农夫听见了，喊道：“威利斯，先放那吧。过来和我们呆会儿，一会儿我帮你扶起来。”“太好了”，威利斯答道，“但是爸爸会不高兴的。”“哎呀，快来吧”，农夫仍然在坚持。“好吧”，小男孩终于点头答应了，“但是爸爸真的会不高兴。”一顿丰盛的晚餐之后，威
利斯向农夫表示感谢：“我觉得好多了，但是爸爸肯定很不高兴。”“别傻了”，农夫笑着说，“哦，对了，你爸爸在哪了？”“车底下。”
I you she
Peter was a clever boy. On his first day at school, he learned three words: I, You and She. The teacher taught him how to make sentences with those words. The teacher said, I, I am your teacher; (then pointing to a girl) She, She is your classmate; You, You are my student.
When Peter went home, his father asked him what he had learned at school. Peter said at once, I, I am your teacher; (then pointing to his mother) She, She is your classmate; You, You are my student. His father got angry and said, I, I am your father; (then pointing to his wife) She, She is your mother; You, You are my son.
The next morning at school, the teacher asked Peter if he had learned the three words by heart. Yes, he said proudly, I, I am your father; (then pointing to a girl) She, She is your mother; You, You are my son.
彼得是个聪明的孩子。在学校的第一天，他学了三个词：我，你，她。老师教他如何用这三个词造句子。老师说：我，我是你的老师；（然后指着一个女孩）她，她是你的同学；你，你是我的学生。
彼得回到家里，爸爸问他学了什么。彼得马上说：我，我是你的老师；（然后指着他的妈妈）她，她是你的同学；你，你是我的学生。他的爸爸听了非常生气，说：我，我是你的爸爸；（然后指着他的妻子）她，她是你的妈妈；你，你是我的儿子。
第二天，老师问彼得是否用心学那三个词了。是的，彼得自豪地说，我，我是你的爸爸；（然后指着一个女孩）她，她是你的妈妈；你，你是我的儿子。
Cry
"Tom, what's the matter with your brother?" asked the mother in the kitchen. "He's crying."
"Oh, nothing, Mum," replied Tom. "I'm eating my cake. He is crying because I won't give him any."
"But has he finished his own cake?"
"Yes." said Tom. "And he also cried when I was helping him finish that."
"汤姆，你弟弟怎么了？" 妈妈在厨房里问。"他在哭。"
"没事儿，妈妈，" 汤姆答道。"我在吃我的蛋糕。他哭是因为我不给他吃。"
"他已经吃完自己的了么？"
"是的。" "我帮他吃完时，他也哭了。"
篇三：英语幽默小笑话大全
英语幽默小笑话大全
1.a kiss
At a dinner party, the speaker, who was the guest of honor, was about to deliver a speech when his wife sitting at the other end of the table, sent him a piece of paper with the word "KISS" scribbled on it.
The guest seated next to the speaker said, "Your wife must love you very much, I see her send you a 'KISS' before you begin your speech."
The speaker smiled and explained, "You don't know my wife. The 'KISS' she give me stands for 'Keep It Short, Stupid.'"
2.A teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!"
Little Johnny then stood up.
The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Johnny?"
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
一个老师在对学生们讲心理学，“谁认为自己蠢就站起来？”她一开始就说。
小约翰尼站了起来。
“你认为你很蠢吗，小约翰尼？”老师问。
“不是的，老师，我只是不喜欢看你一个人站着。”
3.a great man
Teacher: Would Shakespeare be a great man if he were still alive today?
Student: Of course. He must be a great man, for so far nobody has lived to over 400 years.
一名伟人
老师：如果莎士比亚还活着，他会是一名伟人吗？ 学生：当然。因为到目前为止，还没有人活到400多岁。
4Two Cute dogs
A man walks into a shop and sees a cute little dog. He asks the shopkeeper, "Does
your dog bite?" The shopkeeper says, "No, my dog does not bite." The man tries to pet the dog and the dog bites him. "Ouch," he says, "I thought you said your dog does not bite!" The shopkeeper replies, "That is not my dog."
6.Policeman: Why didn't you shout for help when you were robbed of your watch?
Man: If I had opened my mouth, they'd have found my four gold teeth. That would be much worse.
警察：有人抢你的手表时，你为什么不呼救呢？ 男子：要是我张口的话，他们就会发现我的四颗
金牙。那就更糟了。
7.The little girl did not like the look of the barking dog.
"It's all right," said a gentleman, "don't be afraid. Don't you know the proverb: Barking dogs don't bite?"
"Ah, yes," answered the little girl. "I know the proverb, but does the dog know the proverb, too?"
一个小女孩非常不喜欢狗狂叫的样子。
“没有关系，”一位先生说，“不用害怕，你知道这条谚语吗：‘吠狗不咬人。’”
“啊，我是知道，可是狗也知道吗？”
8.Class and Ass
《儿童英语笑话大全》出自：百味书屋
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