篇一：2017最新笑死人不偿命笑话段子
1、一个家伙到医院去检查，并做了许多测试。
医生说：“有好消息、也有坏消息！看过你的测试结果后，我发现你有潜在的同性恋倾向！！而且难以根治。”
这个家伙说：“我的天啊呀！那好消息呢？”
医生腼腆的说：“我发现你还蛮可爱的耶……”
2、十一长假回来的当晚，某女在其男朋友宿舍留宿。
第二天清晨，此二人被宿舍同学紧急送往校医院，经校医询问后，诊断病例填写如下：女孩因脱水导致昏厥，男生因暴饮暴食导致消化不良！
3、列车员：“您拿着二等车票怎么会坐头等车厢？”
犹太人觉得受了侮辱：‘难道我拿着二等车票就该去坐三等车厢吗？”
4、一次结婚，新娘放一个屁，场面尴尬起来，一人说：“新娘放屁，大吉大利。”不一会，又放俩个屁，场面有尴尬起来，那个人又说：“新娘放俩，一个顶俩。”不一会，她放仨屁，场面尴尬起来，只见那个人又说：“快跑啊，新娘子要拉了！”
5、1、猫因生活所迫，在狐狸开的夜来香发廊坐台。一日，老鼠来到发廊点名要包夜，猫誓死不从。老鼠大怒道：当初追老子，追得死去活来，现在送上门，还假正经
2、医生问病人是怎么骨折的。病人说，我觉得鞋里有沙子，就扶着电线杆抖鞋。TMD有个混蛋经过那里，以为我触电了，便抄起木棍给了我两棍子!
3、生物课上，老师问：如何才能正确分辨章鱼的手和脚？学生答：放个屁给它闻，会捂住鼻子的就是手，其他的就是脚。全班皆倒。
4、一人上班老是放响屁，同事忍不住说：你能不能不出声？然后便见他坐在那抖个不停。同事问他在干什么，他答：我现在已经调成振动啦！
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6、他在车厢里很有礼貌地问坐在旁边的女士：“我抽烟妨碍你吗？”“不，你就像在家里一样好了。”他只能将烟盒重新放回衣袋，叹口气道：“照样不能抽。”
7、从前，有一个穷人来到一位百万富翁的家里。这个穷人向百万富翁讲述自己的苦恼。他把自己怎样受苦讲得那么真切动人，这位百万富翁受到从来没有过的感动。他对仆人说：“约翰，快把这个穷汉赶出去，他使我的心都碎了。”
8、五元钱被犯罪团伙绑架了，打电话给百元钞：
“喂！你儿子在这里，不想我们撕票就用自己来换他！”
百元钞想了一下说：
“撕吧，撕了你们连5块钱都没有了！”
9、有一老头，在电影院里找东西，东摸摸，西摸摸。
一男问：干嘛呢，我是男的
老头：不……不，我东西掉了
男：嘛东西？老头：糖！
男：一块糖？你这老头忒……
老头：不……不，我假牙还粘在上面呢。(汗)
10、阿凡提和妻子一起商讨谋生之道，力求自己生活过得好一点。
妻子思来想去，最后对阿凡提说：“我们在羊群通往草场的必经之路上，种许许多多的骆驼刺，当羊群来回经过的时候，肯定会在骆驼刺上留下很多羊毛。我们把这些羊毛蓄积起来，擀制出一张张漂亮的羊毛毡，然后把毡子拿去卖了再买回一群鸡，这样我天天就能拾许多许多鸡蛋，你再把鸡蛋卖了换回一只羊……”
“与其这样还不如从那些羊群里抓回两只羊哩！”阿凡提打断妻子的话说。
“不，不，不劳而获不好，再说做贼肯定没有好下常刚才我说到哪儿了？对了，我们买回了羊再让它下小羊，然后再用卖羊的钱买回一匹母马，再让母马生一匹马驹，我骑上小马驹……”
......某地的公交车上就设了有刷卡的机器，刚出来的时候人们对这机器就产生了很浓厚的兴趣，一位年轻的女士看到许多人都是拿个手提包有些是撅起屁股然后司机就让他们都过了，这时候女士看到前面一位少妇把屁股一撅然后就找了个位置坐了下来，这位年轻的女士也效仿着前面的少妇，把屁股一撅然后就走了。这时司机把年轻的女士叫住了。“喂，你还付钱呢？”司机回头朝那位年轻女士叫了下
“怎么？什么意思啊？他们不都把屁股一撅就通过了，我比前面的那位少妇还年轻，她一撅屁股就可以通过，我就不行了啊！我还比她年轻呢！”说完气忽忽地甩了甩头发......
11、一天，阿凡提往家里带来了几位客人，他对妻子说：“老婆子，快烤一点馕吧！” 妻子不高兴地问他道，“家里连一把面都没有了，我用什么烤馕？” “那就烤包子吧！”阿凡提说。
12、阿凡提写了一个告示，要求县官签发。县官打开告示一看，告示上写着：“今委派纳斯尔钉阿凡提去全县各地巡查，凡发现有怕老婆的男人，征收一只大母鸡，概不例外。”县官起初以为阿凡提是开开玩笑，便答应了他的要求。在告示上签了自己的大名。过了几天，阿凡提带着数百只母鸡来见县官。县官惊奇地问道：“阿凡提，你真的用那张告示征来了这么多鸡？”
“正是。”阿凡提眉飞色舞地说：“因鸡太多，没东西装，我中途就返回来了，不然，全县的有妇之夫都要交一只母鸡。”
说完，阿凡提神秘地笑了笑又说道：“县官老爷，我发现了一个重大的秘密，不知该不该说。”
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13、某美女决定下重金让自己瘦身。花十几万元以后，她觉得非常满意。 回家路上，在报摊，买了份报纸，找钱的时候，她问老板：“不好意思。你猜我几岁？” 老板说：32。 她好高兴：47啦! 接着，她去麦当劳。问柜台的小姐同样的问题。 小姐说：我猜29。 她好高兴：不是，47啦! 于是，兴高采烈的她去街角的统一超市买包口香糖，忍不住又问那里的柜台小姐。 小姐说：嗯，我猜30。
她好得意：47，谢谢!
等公车的时候，她又问旁边的老头。
老头说：我78岁了。眼睛不好，看不出来。不过，年轻的时候有种方法可以确定。如果你让我把手伸进你的胸罩里，我绝对可以知道你的年纪!
......村里的一位年轻人，看见小阿凡提在院里玩耍，便把他叫到跟前说，“小阿凡提，我给你一块糖，请你把你的姐姐叫出来好吗？”
小阿凡提吃完了糖，对那位年轻人说：“你为什么老来找我姐姐？你自己没有姐姐吗？”
14、某地的公交车上就设了有刷卡的机器，刚出来的时候人们对这机器就产生了很浓厚的兴趣，一位年轻的女士看到许多人都是拿个手提包有些是撅起屁股然后司机就让他们都过了，这时候女士看到前面一位少妇把屁股一撅然后就找了个位置坐了下来，这位年轻的女士也效仿着前面的少妇，把屁股一撅然后就走了。这时司机把年轻的女士叫住了。“喂，你还付钱呢？”司机回头朝那位年轻女士叫了下
“怎么？什么意思啊？他们不都把屁股一撅就通过了，我比前面的那位少妇还年轻，她一撅屁股就可以通过，我就不行了啊！我还比她年轻呢！”说完气忽忽地甩了甩头发......
15、楼主发帖问：我是一女孩，夏天太热了，我在家不穿衣服，不知道这样做好不好？于是楼下回帖：
A、我也是女生。我常常不穿衣服，连内衣裤都没有，我胸围D。家里有弟弟妹妹，爸妈，他们都习惯了，不理我怎么样都可以的...其实这样很正常，我觉得没有问题哦！（真的假的？你就吹吧！）
B、没什么不好的啊，只不过会增加被蚊虫叮咬的面积。
（喀，涂点蚊不叮吧，貌似有点AD味道）
C、我也夏天不穿衣服，太热了，只不过我的胸是平的，但我下面有个突出的东东！（靠，是男的就直说嘛！）
16、这天轮上我值班，外面有人报警说一酒醉的男子在他店门口闹事，我们过去后就把他带回到派出所，照例“约束至酒醒”。
那个男子到了派出所还在发酒疯，用他的手机砸自己的头，而且很用力，于是就把他的手机收了起来，放在值班室。
我的妈妈啊，这手机超牛，我粗略看了一下，居然有9个扬声器！乖乖，惊悚的事情出现了，有人不断的给这个手机打电话，铃声是流行的“狼爱上羊”。俺滴天！电话是不停的打啊，手机铃声起码有100分贝，大得连一般的说话声都掩盖过去了。接起来，对方也是个醉鬼，无法沟通。我想关机吧，汗了，要关机密码，晕！我想等他没有电自己关机吧，响了2个多小时还没用完一格电！闹糊涂了，我把电池拔了不省事了。真是聪明反被聪明误啊，我做出了人生最错误的决定！
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17、塞翁丢了一匹白马，邻居们纷纷来安慰他，塞翁说：这并不是一件坏事对吗？果然，第二天，白马回来了，还驮回来唐僧，于是大家集体吃了唐僧，邻居又来恭喜塞翁，塞翁说：这说不定不是件好事！第三天，家里来了只猴…
18、一年冬天，我认识了一个漂亮女孩。气质非常好。那年我们俩几乎天天都粘在一起，
不是去泡酒吧就是去泡迪厅。有一次晚上，我们喝的醉醺醺的回到家，她就开始闹。哭啊，哭的可厉害了。她自己一个人躲在卫生间里哭。我把门踹开把她拉出来，她又钻到大衣橱里去了，接着哭。好不容易把她弄到床上，她又抱着我哭。（汗了）
这还不算完呢，不知道那根神筋错了，看到旁边的手机，砰的一下，狠狠的砸在墙壁上。我就那么眼睁睁的看着那漂亮的折叠式手机分成两半儿。
第二天，她睡醒过来。撑着脑袋看着地上断成两截的手机，气呼呼的跑下楼拎了个砖头上来。
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19、从前有一个师傅收了一个徒弟叫佳才，有一天，师傅的房子烧起来了，忽然师傅看到了一个人，一看原来是徒弟佳才，师傅；拼命叫着佳才救我，徒弟却以为是加柴才能救师傅。就抱很多柴来往里扔，最后师傅死了，他想明明是师傅叫我加柴的，为什么还是死了与朋友约好下班去逛商店，想打电话回家报告一下。手机没电，拿起座机话筒一时忘了号码，便问：“你们谁能告诉我，我家电话号码是多少？”一同事答：“我真是服了你，你打个电话回家问你妈妈不就行了吗？”
20、高三时，我们寝室两个男孩经常学习ml的声音。有一次，一个男孩躺在床上，另一个男孩在他旁边做动作。躺着的男生学女的叫床，跪在床上的男生学男的呼哧的声音。正好班主任进来了，问：你们在干什么？
21、母女二人参观女儿男朋友的画展。
母亲发现其中一幅裸体人像酷似自己的女儿，便急切的问道：“你没有光着身子给他画吧？”
女儿回答：“啊，没有！”母亲听后，终于放心了。
但是女儿接着说道：“他可能是凭记忆画的。”
22、假如现在俺有三妻四妾，三加四等于七，那就是七个老婆。
一个星期刚好七天，那么首先要做的事情就是排班，买菜也好，煮饭也好，搞卫生也好，还是那个也好，一个老婆一天，一碗水端平，绝不能厚此薄彼，冷了哪位老婆的心。
一桌麻将四个人，两桌麻将八个人，七个老婆凑成一桌后还是三缺一。没关系，不还有俺吗？一家人两桌麻将，足不出户，自娱自乐，其乐融融，肥水还不流外人田。
赤橙黄绿青蓝紫，正好七种颜色，俺给她们买衣服什么的，一定要选一种款式七种颜色，风格统一，色彩斑斓，形成一道靓丽的家庭彩虹。
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23、一对新人在教堂举行结婚典礼，到了互换戒指的时候，紧张过度的新郎竟然忘了这件事。
牧师非常焦急的举起手指，做出套戒指的动作，并眨着眼睛暗示新郎。
只见新郎胀红着脸，结巴地说：“牧师，那不是今晚洞房之夜才做的吗？”
24、一个经常出没的吸血鬼，被人以木头刺死后，心有不甘的跑去向上帝诉苦：“不公平，为什么一样是受造之物，天使的人缘就特别的好，大家都喜欢他，而我简直就是个过街老鼠，人人喊打……”
仁慈的上帝听了他的诉苦后，决定再给吸血鬼一次下凡人间机会，并问他：“你想变成
什么样子？”
吸血鬼露出两颗尖牙，很快乐地要求道：“第一，我要像大使一样，有又白又软的“形象”。第二，我要像天使一样，有两片可爱的“小翅膀”。最后，嘿嘿，有点不好意思咧，我想三不五时还最好能吸点血。”
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25、1)小姐向警察解释自己没有MaiYin：我只是把两元的避孕套卖到了二百元，最多算抬高物价。警察：后来呢？小姐说：教他如何使用，属于售后服务。
2)演出结束，领导上台拉住漂亮的蒙古族女演员的手嘘寒问暖不放手，还一个劲地问叫什么名字？女演员激动地说：玛勒格碧.
3)生日派对上蛋糕只剩下一块，上面恰好写着生日两个字。男孩大方地拿起刀一分为二，温柔地对女孩说：“我负责‘日’，你负责‘生’，好吗？”
4)人生感语：当工作和爱情不如意时，可掏出小弟弟，凝视它、静思它所蕴含之精神：能长能短，能粗能细，能伸能曲，能软能硬，学学它，眼前的困难算个鸟！
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26、1、青青和和妈妈的刮刮奖券中奖了，去一个柜台领取奖品。
发奖的人问她们要二十块，还是一个苹果？
青青妈妈心想当然是要钱才赚了，就说要二十块。
于是那人拿出把刀，把苹果切成了二十块……
2、和两个哥们中午上街溜达，碰上两个初中女生下学，一边走一边在争论着什么，突然其中一个女生很大声的说了一句：不是先奸后杀，就是先杀后奸！
我们被雷到笑出声来（现在的初中生太牛了），那两个小mm转过头来看，我觉得不能让祖国的花朵感到太尴尬，就对两个哥们说：其实我也在思考这个问题，煮鱼的时候通常是先杀再煎熟....
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27、黑娃骑着自行车在街上闲逛。听见一路人对他喊GOGOGO。黑娃一听心想就你会唱，我也会唱奥类奥类奥类奥忽然一头栽了下去。路人说TMD，跟你说了沟沟沟你还骑。
色.
28、一家汽车销售商打出惊人广告：要女人?NO!还是要汽车！ 前往汽车销售商那里问个明白。 “你们这广告什么意思” “兄弟结婚没有？” “没有。” “那你就不懂了。汽车和女人有百分之九十九是相同的。” “何解？” 1、买新车和娶新娘一样，都要注册登记， 2、汽车和女人一样都需要定期保养，汽车保养用品等于女人的化装用品， 3、汽车如果伤了漆要及时修复，女人如果脸上出现皱纹也要即使修复， 4、汽车上的装饰品是为了给汽车增添几分声色，女人身上的装饰品是为了增添几分姿......
篇二：2017年高考英语生态环保类阅读理解
话题七：生态环保类
(一)
The need to feed a growing population is putting much pressure on the world's supply of water. With 97% of the world's water too salty to be drunk or used in agriculture, the worldwide supply of water needs careful management, especially in agriculture. Although the idea of a water shortage(短缺)seems strange to someone fortunate enough to live in a high rainfall country, many of the world's agricultural industries experience constant water shortages.
Although dams can be built to store water for agricultural use in dry areas and dry seasons, the costs of water redistribution(重新分配)are very high. Not only is there the cost of the engineering itself, but there is also an environmental cost to be considered. Where valleys(山谷)are flooded to create dams, houses are lost and wildlife homes destroyed. Besides, water may flow easily through pipes to fields, but it cannot be transported from one side of the world to the other. Each country must therefore rely on the management of its own water to supply its farming requirements.
This is particularly troubling for countries with agricultural industries in areas dependent on irrigation (灌溉). In Texas, farmers' overuse of irrigation water has resulted in a 25% reduction of the water stores. In the Central Valley area of southwestern USA, a huge water engineering project provided water for farming in dry valleys, but much of the water use has been poorly managed.
Saudi Arabia's attempts to grow wheat in desert areas have seen the pumping of huge quantities of irrigation water from underground reserves. Because there is no rainfall in these areas, such reserves can only decrease, and it is believed that fifty years of pumping will see them run dry.
1. From the first two paragraphs we learn that________.
A. much of the world's water is available for use
B. people in high rainfall countries feel lucky
C. the costs of water redistribution should be considered
D. water can be easily carried through pipes across the world
2. Which of the following is TRUE?
A. The water stores in Texas have been reduced by 75%.
B. Most industries in the world suffer from water shortages.
C. The underground water in Saudi Arabia might run out in 50 years.
D. Good management of water use resulted from the project in the Central Valley.
3. What is most likely to be discussed in the paragraph that follows?
A. Steps to improving water use management.
B. Ways to reduce the costs of building dams.
C. Measures to deal with worldwide water shortages.
D. Approaches to handling the pressure on water supply.
4. The text is mainly about________.
A. water supply and increasing population
B. water use management and agriculture
C. water redistribution and wildlife protection
D. water shortages and environmental protection
答案与解析
世界的可用淡水资源有限，但农业在利用水资源过程中存在不尽如人意之处，本文指出了其中的一些问题。
1．C 细节理解题，由文中第一段第二句“With 97% of the world's water too salty to be drunk or used in agriculture...”可知A选项错误；由第一段第三句“...strange to someone fortunate enough to live in a high rainfall country...”可知B选项不合文意；第二段前两句指出水资源的重新分配的费用极高，一方面是水利过程本身的造价，另一方面也会对生态造成极大的破坏，所以选项C正确，根据
第二段第四句“...it cannot be transported from one side of the world to the other.”可知D项不正确。
2．C 细节理解题。根据文章第三段第二句“...has resulted in a 25% reduction of the water stores.”可判断A选项不正确；由第一段最后一句可判断B选项错误；由文章最后一句“...fifty years of pumping will see them run dry.”可知C项正确。根据文章第三段最后一句可知D项不正确。
3．A 判断推理题。文章前面一部分主要是讲述农业在利用水资源过程中存在的问题，接下来应该是介绍加强水资源管理的方法和措施，所以A选项正确。
4．B 主旨大意题。由第一段第二句可知。
(二)
It was a village in India. The people were poor. However, they were not unhappy. After all, their forefathers had lived in the same way for centuries.
Then one day, some visitors from the city arrived. They told the villagers there were some people elsewhere who liked to eat frog's legs. However, they did not have enough frogs of their own ，and so they wanted to buy frogs from other places.
This seemed like money for nothing. There were millions of frogs in the fields around，and they were no use to the villagers. All they had to do was catch them. Agreement was reached，and the children were sent into the fields to catch frogs. Every week a truck arrived to collect the catch and hand over the money. For the first time, the people were able to dream of a better future. But the dream didn't last long.
The change was hardly noticed at first, but it seemed as if the crops were not doing so well. More worrying was that the children fell ill more often, and, there seemed to be more insects around lately.
The villagers decided that they couldn't just wait to see the crops failing and the children getting weak. They would have to use the money earned to buy pesticides (杀虫剂) and medicines. Soon there was no money left.
Then the people realized what was happening. It was the frog. They hadn't been useless. They had been doing an important job—eating insects. Now with so many frogs killed, the insects were increasing more rapidly. They were damaging the crops and spreading diseases.
Now，the people are still poor. But in the evenings they sit in the village square and listen to sounds of insects and frogs. These sounds of the night now have a much deeper meaning.
1. From Paragraph 1，we learn that the villagers________.
A. worked very hard for centuries
B. dreamed of having a better life
C. were poor but somewhat content
D. lived a different life from their forefathers
2. Why did the villagers agree to sell frogs?
A. The frogs were easy money.
B. They needed money to buy medicine.
C. They wanted to please the visitors.
D. The frogs made too much noise.
3. What might be the cause of the children's sickness?
A. The crops didn't do well.
B. There were too many insects.
C. The visitors brought in diseases.
D. The pesticides were overused.
4. What can we infer from the last sentence of the text?
A. Happiness comes from peaceful life in the country.
B. Health is more important than money.
C. The harmony between man and nature is important.
D. Good old days will never be forgotten.
答案与解析
本篇文章为记叙文。主要讲述印度一个小村庄的人们在外乡人的诱导下为了追求金钱收益捕杀青蛙，结果破坏了生态平衡。意识到这个问题后，他们及时停止了捕杀，重新回到了宁静的乡村生活。
1．C 细节理解题。第一段中有“The people were poor.However, they were not unhappy.”和C项意思一致。
2．A 细节理解题。根据第二段的“This seemed like money for nothing.”句中for nothing 是“免费的”意思，说明青蛙容易得到，并能赚到钱，村民才答应卖。
3．B 推理判断题。根据倒数第二段中“They had been doing an important job—eating insects. Now with so many frogs killed, the insects were increasing more rapidly. They were damaging the crops and spreading diseases.”可以推断出庄稼收成不好，孩子生病与青蛙减少、害虫增多有关。
4．C 推理判断题。最后一句说明人们过度捕杀造成生态失衡，由此也影响了人类，因此，可以推断人与自然的和谐是重要的。
(三)
We produce 500 billion of plastic bags in a year worldwide and they are thrown away polluting oceans，killing wildlife and getting dumped in landfills where they take up to 1000 years to decompose. Researchers have been unsuccessfully looking for a solution.
The 16-year-old Canadian high school student，Daniel Burd, from Waterloo Collegiate Institute, has discovered a way to make plastic bags degrade(分解) in as few as 3 months，a finding that won him first prize at the Canada－Wide Science Fair，a $10 000 prize，a $20 000 scholarship, and a chance to revolutionize a major environmental issue.
Burd's strategy was simple: Since plastic does eventually degrade, it must be eaten by microorganisms (微生物). If those microorganisms could be identified, we could put them to work eating the plastic much faster than under normal conditions.
With this goal in mind, he ground plastic bags into a powder and concocted(调制) a solution of household chemicals, yeast(酵母) and tap water to encourage microbes growth. Then he added the plastic powder and let the microbes work their magic for 3 months. Finally，he tested the resulting bacterial culture on plastic bags，exposing one plastic sample to dead bacteria as a control. Sure enough, the plastic exposed (暴露) to the live bacteria was 17% lighter than the control after six weeks.
The inputs are cheap：maintaining the required temperature takes little energy
because microbes produce heat as they work, and the only outputs are water and tiny levels of carbon dioxide.
“Almost every week I have to do chores and when I open the closet door, I have piles of plastic bags falling on top of me. One day, I got tired of it and I wanted to know what other people are doing with these plastic bags. The answer：not much. So I decided to do something myself.”said Daniel Burd.
1. Daniel Burd won first prize at the Canada－Wide Science Fair because________.
A. he found a new kind of microorganism
B. he contributed much to environmental protection
C. he found a way to degrade plastics in shorter time
D. he could encourage microbes growt
《2017环保小段子》出自：百味书屋
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